(and Quietly Reveal Who’s Really There for You)
Ever notice how asking for a tiny favor feels harder than carrying a refrigerator up the stairs by yourself?
We hesitate because the shy voice whispers, “keep quiet”, or the proud voice says, “you can handle it alone,” or the giver inside says, “keep pouring” without ever asking for a refill.
Here is the twist. Most people enjoy giving, especially to people and causes they care about. Social psychologists call this the ‘warm glow’ effect, which is the intrinsic reward we get from helping others. Giving makes them feel important and useful when they can add value to others.
When we avoid asking for what we need, we rob them of that warm sugar rush of significance.
Sometimes a small request reveals unexpected champions just outside our usual close circle, confirms the commitment of your close friends, and sometimes it shows “good friends” who forget that “friends in need are friends indeed”.
Modern psychology studies confirm that when someone steps up for you, even in a small way, the relationship almost always grows stronger. On the other side, when someone in your inner circle doesn’t, something shifts inside us.
Either way, the universe provides us with fresh insights for a brilliant friendship review every time we dare to ask.
I learned these lessons just recently.
The Month I Grew a Mustache and Asked for Money
This November, I joined Movember to support the global men’s health campaign and grew a mustache that made my mirror ask for early retirement. I shared my fundraising goal and my 100 km walk pledge and invited people who know me to sprinkle some love on the cause.
Many responded with generosity. A few close friends even doubled their gifts when they saw I was falling short of my target. You know who you are. 🙏 Thank you. (also to the 14 anonymous contributors.)
I had a double surprise. Some friends looked the other way while unlikely supporters showed up with unexpected generosity.
The money raised for a good cause was terrific, but the real reward was the sudden clarity about who friendships
Filled with gratitude, I recently invited these truly generous people to join me for a walk and host them for a meal. It was a small, intentional way to share my appreciation and invest quality time with kindhearted individuals.
A famous story about the power of asking for small favors appears in Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography. Franklin describes a tense relationship with a political rival in the Pennsylvania legislature who consistently opposed him and refused to cooperate.
Rather than try to win him over through grand gestures, Franklin asked to borrow a rare book from the man’s private library. The rival agreed. Franklin returned the book promptly, accompanied by a gracious note of appreciation.
Almost immediately, the rival became more friendly and cooperative. Franklin later distilled the lesson:
“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
The Benefits of Tiny Asks
I’ve discovered that the simple act of asking for small favors offers surprisingly rich benefits:
- It brings out the best in people who are eager to rise to the occasion and help.
- It lets people enjoy the sweet feeling of giving to someone or a cause they care about.
- It strengthens relationships, because feeling supported naturally increases closeness and trust.
- It reveals your faithful supporters. Observing who rises toward you and who drifts outward prepares the ground for realigning your personal solar system.
- It can serve as an alert to check on close friends who did not respond to your ask because they are struggling.
- It shows people that you see them as capable and reliable, which often lifts their motivation and warmth toward you. (the Benjamin Franklin effect).
The Week I Asked a Forty-Year Friend for a Tiny Favor
In another incident, I found a flash sale on the HP laptop I needed in America at 40% off. A good friend I’ve known since we were 19 lives in the state where I found the laptop on sale.
I sent him a simple ask: “Can the laptop arrive at your home for a week until my partner collects it? Minimal effort for you and a saving of 1,000 for me.”
To my astonishment, he replied: “Sorry, I don’t ask for favors and prefer people not ask me.”
More than forty years of friendship, unforgettable memories, and lots of laughter reduced to a single rejection. I was confused, frustrated, and shocked.
To test my sanity, I asked others if they would do me that favor. Everyone said “Of course” without hesitation.
The contrast hit hard. Ouch. I felt the pain of being unworthy of even a tiny gesture from a dear old friend whom I love.
I was aware that I was judgmental, so I tried to be understanding and empathetic. There must be a past wound behind such a firm boundary, but when I gently probed for the source of the rejection, he sounded upset. “I am sorry. This is me. Please accept me as I am. Friendship should not be dependent on favours.”
His words highlighted the paradox of friendship. One part of me felt the truth that friendship thrives without scorekeeping. Another part wondered if showing up in times of need is the real essence of being true friends.
Aligning the Personal Solar System
Feeling dismissed, I turned to one of the self-leadership frameworks I created: My Personal Solar System. It is a relational tool I designed to help people take back control of their emotional peace by recalibrating expectations in their relationships with minimal drama.
The idea is simple. Each of us is the sun of our universe, and everyone else is a planet orbiting around us. At the same time, we are planets in everyone else’s solar systems.
People start by defining what each orbit represents: expectations, boundaries, and the emotional commitments of each layer. Next, they place the names of people in their lives in the orbits circling them.
When tension repeats, I invite them to check the placement. Sometimes the relationship softens simply by moving someone to a farther orbit where expectations are lighter, and peace is easier. You cannot expect a Pluto passing visitor to behave like an intimate friend from Venus.
In my own case, I realised I had placed my friend in a close orbit where my expectations were too high, while I perceived his behavior as if he were on the outer rim. Moving him outward eased the emotional weight, reduced the pain, and restored my inner peace.
This reminds me of the happiness equation in Solve for Happiness by Mo Gawdat, the former Google X leader who used his bright engineering mind to guide millions toward greater joy. Happiness rises when your perception of life’s events stays lighter than the expectations you carry about how life should behave.
So, I thanked my friend for decades of stories and wrote with a heavy heart that if a tiny favor felt too much, I needed to accept where we actually stood in each other’s universe.
Then I waited, leaving the door open for reconciliation and a slow process of restoration of our relationship that might follow. We both needed time to reflect on our own perceptions of what friendship meant to us.
As a matter of fact, after a few months, he called, and we are slowly restarting our conversations and reviving our relationship.
Expectancy Violation Theory (EVT) explains why this hurts so much. When a close friend violates a high, positive expectation (like a small favor), the emotional pain is disproportionately high, leading to a major relational audit and quiet distancing, marked by steady drifting apart.
We Are Reciprocal Beings
Evolution wired us for reciprocity. For most of human history, survival depended on mutual help. We still carry those unconscious scorecards today. Generosity breeds closeness, and the lack of support in need creates distance. It’s that simple.
Closing words
So next time a small favor feels like hauling a refrigerator up the stairs, remind yourself of the twist. You are not burdening anyone. You are handing someone a moment to shine.
#Movember #MentalHealthMatters #AskForHelp #RealFriendships #PersonalGrowth #LifeLessons
This article has also been posted on Avi Liran’s LinkedIn.
